I opened the drawer where I keep it. It literally jumped out but I was surprised. It seemed more angry than boastful.
“I know, I know,” it said. “You want to know about the Dallas Cowboys. I was expecting you. I knew they wouldn’t get to the Super Bowl this season but they were worse than I thought. They were a mess from top to bottom’
I SORT OF recoiled. “A mess?” I asked.
“A complete mess,” it snorted. “From owner Jerry Jones to the coaches to the players to the trainers to the waterboys. Jones never should have appointed himself general manager. He makes a fool of himself running down onto the field. You don’t see owners of other teams doing that.
“And then there was the coaching. Bad play calling, bad communication, bad defenses. As for the players, they weren’t only out-played, they were out-hustled. No enthusiasm, no fire in the belly in the big games. Silly penalties. No wonder some are calling them the Cowgirls.”
I GULPED. “How about quarterback Tony Romo?” I asked. “A lot of people are blaming him.”
The crystal ball shook its head. “He’s no Drew Brees or Tom Brady, but he’s good. His quarterback ratings are great. He had several game ratings over 100. Quarterbacks get too much blame and too much credit. Think of Romo’s receivers. Miles Austin and Dez Bryant were to be super stars. Either one or the other, and sometimes both at the same time, was always hurt this season. Heck, even when they’re in a game they and their backups sometimes didn’t run their patterns as they were supposed to.
“And every quarterback needs a good running game. Same with the two star Dallas runners as with the receivers. One or the other was always hurt.
“Poor Tony. He may go down as one of the best quarterbacks never to win a Super Bowl, just like Dan Marino, Fran Tarkenton and Archie Manning, to name three.”
I INTERRUPTED. “But you mention even the trainers as being part of the problem. It’s not their fault players get hurt,” I said.
The crystal ball harrumphed. “Coaches and trainers are responsible for keeping the players in condition. The better condition they are, the less they get hurt. And they don’t peter out at the end of games like the Cowboys did in crucial games this season. The better conditioned team will always win given equal talent, or even less talent in many cases.”
I SIGHED. “Well, what do you suggest the Cowboys do?” I asked.
The crystal ball straightened up. “Well, the first thing I would do is go after Jimmy Johnson and hire him not as coach, but as general manager. He can pick talent and he is such a motivator he can fire up a corpse. That would solve most of the problems.”
I perked up. “Great idea,” I said. “How about coach Jason Garrett? Would you keep him?”
The orb nodded. “Yes, yes. You have to remember Garrett was still a rookie this year. He’s shown some promise. This was a learning year for him. I’d give him a year or two to see if he can make the grade. I’m sure Jimmy Johnson or a similar type would be a great asset to his development.”
I HATE TO ADMIT it, but my crystal ball, obnoxious as it is most of the time, made some good points. I thanked it, picked it up and put it back in its drawer.
I heard an “aaahhh” of relief as I closed it.