As readers of this column know, my crystal ball is so obnoxious I don’t go near it until I have to. It brags when it’s right and makes excuses when it’s wrong. But with football season just around the corner I couldn’t wait any longer for its 2012 predictions.
As usual, it snarled when I took it out of its drawer, “What took you so long? Goofing off again?”
I didn’t want to start a conversation with it in any way, so I got right to the point. I said, “Could you give us your prediction for the UTEP Miners? They open Sept 1 at the Sun Bowl against Oklahoma.”
THE CRYSTAL BALL growled, “I know that, idiot.” I ignored the insult. “Well?” I asked.
It straightened up and its eyes lit up. It likes to be regarded as knowledgeable although I think it’s just been lucky when it’s guessed right.
It continued in its usual officious but somewhat snotty way, “I told you last spring that the Miners are in a very tough spot so far as qualifying for a bowl is concerned They have three losses all but assured on the 12-game schedule. That’s against Oklahoma, Mississippi and Wisconsin. That leaves only nine games and they’ll have to win six of those to make it to a bowl. That’s a tall order.”
“YEAH, YEAH,” I said. “You told us that before. But is there any glimmer of hope?”
It paused, then continued, “Yeah, but just a little. Oklahoma is rated No. 4 in the country and Wisconsin is rated No. 12 and so losing to those two is all but a certainty. But Mississippi isn’t rated. There’s just a bit of a possibility of an upset there.
“Also, the Miners can beat New Mexico State. Conference USA is always tough for the Miners. Tulsa is the pre-season favorite and the Miners will have to play that game at Tulsa. Houston and East Carolina will be tough, too, and they’re also away games.
“However, the Miners have one advantage on the rest of the conference, and that’s at quarterback. Nick Lamaison will be the premiere returning signal caller. And the Miners have seven offensive starters returning.”
MY SPIRITS picked up. “That’s great, isn’t it?”
“Don’t get excited,” the crystal ball retorted. “The Miners will have the same old problem on defense. It’s lack of depth. That’s always been head coach Mike Price’s problem at UTEP. He’s been a super coach on offense but for a number of reasons UTEP just can’t lure enough topnotch defensive players to have good backups and that’s the reason the Miners lose so many games in the fourth quarter. I have a friend …”
I was stunned and interrupted. “You have a friend?” I asked.
It grimaced and said, “Now don’t get nasty. I was saying I have a friend, Tommy Johnson, who says no telling how many more games Coach Price would have won if he’d had more depth on defense. Price has done wonders with what he’s had.”
I AGREED, and said, “So overall, how do you think the Miners will do this fall?”
It said, “Frankly, prospects for winning enough games to qualify for a bowl game are pretty bleak. As I see it now, the Miners will win four games. I know you’d like a better outcome but I’m not here to please you.
“Look at the bright side. You’ll get to see the Miners playing some great teams and you know the Miners will be giving it their all.”
I was surprised by that last comment. The crystal ball usually ends our conversations with an insulting remark. I said, “Thank you,” picked it up and put it back in its drawer.
