As soon as I returned from vacation and opened the front door I heard a muffled voice screaming, “Let me out, let me out.” I immediately knew who it was … my crystal ball.
I ignored it while I unpacked but it started kicking and screaming louder and louder.
I went to the drawer where I had stashed it for the summer and opened it.
“Where in #$&#@$ have you been?” it snarled. “Don’t you know it’s almost time for football? Idiot!!”
AS USUAL, I shuddered at the thought of having to talk to this utterly obnoxious orb but I had taken my vacation later than usual and it was getting late in the year. Not that I necessarily want its predictions but readers of this column keep insisting.
I apologized and told it to go ahead and give me its picks.
It quit snarling, straightened up and cleared its throat in its customary way that makes me wish it had a neck so I could strangle it.
“IT’S GOING to be a worrisome season,” it began. “I mean, I’ve never seen a season in which there have been so many unknown factors against my favorite teams, namely UTEP football, Dallas Cowboys and UTEP basketball. Take UTEP football. They lost their quarterback and other key players from last season.”
“Wait a minute,” I said. “According to news reports, they have some promising new players.”
The crystal ball looked at me with scorn. It said, “I’ve told you time and again that I don’t listen to any of that jive. No one knows who’s going to be good or bad until actual play begins.”
I SHOOK MY head. “But why don’t you look at it optimistically? Look what happened a couple of years ago. Donald Buckram came out of nowhere to become one of the top running backs in the country. Why couldn’t that happen again? Maybe the Miners will come up with a Ken Heineman, or a Jim Bowden or a Jesse Whittenton or a Bob Laraba or a Rocky Perez or a Pat Hegarty or a Billy Stevens at quarterback. They were all winners. It could happen.”
The crystal ball scoffed. “Yeah, yeah. But what are the odds? And there’s still the coaching factor.”
I INTERRUPTED again. “What do you mean the coaching factor? Mike Price got the Miners to a bowl game last year. Maybe he could do it again.”
The crystal ball harrumphed. “See what I mean? Maybe this and maybe that. Of course it could happen. But what are the odds? I love Mike Price but he has few experienced players.”
I said. “Well, maybe, but he’s been a winner before and he can do it again.”
The crystal ball replied, “There you go with your ‘maybes’ again. Sure, and maybe the sky could fall tomorrow.”
I’D HAD ENOUGH. I said, “I have to get back to unpacking. Just give me your predictions for UTEP football. I’ll ask you about the Dallas Cowboys and UTEP basketball another day for another column.”
The crystal ball put its smug face back on and said, “Okay. The Miners have so many unknowns they could go 2-10. But I have enough confidence in Price that they will do better. The Miners will beat Stoney Brook, whoever that is, in the opener Sept. 3, lose to SMU, then beat New Mexico State. After that, it’s ‘Katy, bar the door.’ Maybe they’ll sneak by South Florida, coached by Skip Holtz, the son of legendary Lou Holtz, but it’s doubtful. And I doubt if they can win half of their remaining eight games. They’ll wind up 5-7 if they’re lucky or 4-8 if not. Anything more will be a bonus.”
I didn’t say anything. I just picked it up, threw it back in its drawer and slammed it shut.
Veteran sports journalist and author Ray Sanchez welcomes suggestions for his column.